| Actual Hospital Patient Chart Entries
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. |
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says "I hate to ruin your day, But I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other,and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way." |
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen and started screaming "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him incredulously. "What in the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
"No," the husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it's like when I'm driving with you in the car." |
Notice outside a secondhand store:
We exchange anything - Bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along & get a wonderful bargain |
| A woman was in court for a traffic violation. The judge asked her what she did for a living. She told him she was a schoolteacher. His face lit up as he sentenced her to write "I will obey all traffic laws" five thousand times |
| · Back to top · |
| Proverbs from First Graders
Don't bite the hand that.....Looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a.....Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.....Math.
The pen is mightier than the.....Pigs.
Laugh & the whole world laughs with you, cry &.....You have to blow your nose.
If at first you don't succeed.....Get new batteries |
A man calls the hospital. He shouts into the receiver, "You gotta send some help, and fast! My wife's going into labour!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
"No!" he shouts back. "This is her husband!"
|
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 15 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike. |
| From the days when Hollywood Squares was spontaneous & unscripted
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. |
| "WARNING: May irrate eyes" - Written on a can of pepper spray for self-defense
|
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh, killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." |
| "WARNING: Not for human consumption" - Written on a packet of rat poison |
| "WARNING: May cause drowsiness" - Written on a packet of sleeping pills |
| "WARNING: Remove child before folding" - Written on a
child's folding stroller |
| "WARNING: May contain nuts" - Written on a packet of
peanuts |
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later...
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to take your toys away until you behave!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT!"
"When you come & take my toys, can you bring a drink of water?" |
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" |
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied. "But what's growing in your butt?" |
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." |
| · Back to top · |
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" |
| After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot).
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers).
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. |
| Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. |
Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." |
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." |
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....
.....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. |
Men are like......Weather.....Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like.......Commercials.....You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like......Department Stores.....Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like......Government Bonds.....They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like.....Mascara.....They usually run at the first sign of emotion. |
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge 'n' Mary. |
| A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." |
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." |
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.""
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" |
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," she answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" |
|
